Perhaps ironically, given that I was a lit major, I’m one of the slowest readers I know. A sort of OCD-ish demon tends to take control of my reading, forcing me to look up every word I don’t know, every allusion to another text or work of art or historical event; forces me to translate every phrase from another language that I don’t speak; forces me to look through 300 preceding pages to find the first paragraph in which a certain character appeared because I can’t remember whether her voice was described as “irritatingly breathy” or “breathily irritating.” Basically has the power to squeeze any possible joy out of reading. Now this doesn’t happen all the time, but it is an occasional tendency that puts me at a handicap, making this two-month deadline a bit of a challenge, especially given Joyce’s predilection for Latin phrases, obscure vocabulary, made-up words, dialect, and references to Irish history.
I wanted to start this blog and the book on September 1st, so I would have exactly two months to read exactly one book. But, well, shit happens, and now it’s the 5th, and I’m already 81 pages in. So now I have 56 days to read 702 pages, leaving me the task of getting through approximately 12.5 pages each day. That might not seem like a lot to you, but, in addition to my evil reading-demon, I have an extremely packed schedule, including trying to find cheap happy hours, pestering my employed friends to invite me out to lunch, and periodically reorganizing my makeup shelf.* So on some days, when, say, I find a happy hour that starts at 2 PM, I may not make it through all 12.5 pages; on other days, when, perhaps, I just can’t justify spending more than 10 minutes arranging my unused eyeshadows in accordance to brand, color, and shape of palette, I may far surpass my requisite page count. We’re going for an average here. This book’s gotta be done by October 31st, baby–eyes on the prize.
*In my previous life, I worked in the fashion department at a magazine…print media may not be the most lucrative industry these days, but I probably got my salary’s worth in free beauty products.
Spilling Corpses and Wedgies pp. 86-100
Death, death, death pp. 100-115
A day at the newspaper pp. 116-130
Keeping things interesting pp. 131-160
Oops, I fail pp. 161-165
Hangover: 0, Kate: 1, pp. 166-190
Minimalism is hot right now pp. 191-204
Stephen Dedalus tries to prove he’s smart pp. 205-218
New format, new people, new confusing crap pp. 219-232
The plot thickens (Or doesn’t. Don’t quote me on this) pp. 233-245
Shirking my duties pp. 246-251
Sex sells pp. 251-274
Two small epiphanies pp. 275-291
I write what I want pp. 292-312
(almost) Back on track pp. 313-345
I enjoy (reading about) being a girl pp. 346-358
This is as close to porn as I get. In other news, I’m a nerd. pp. 359-376
Ramble on pp. 377-382
Word vomit (Does that refer to me or Joyce? You decide!) pp. 383-394
Let’s not get fancy here. You’re still drunk. pp. 395-407
They hate babies. pp. 408-420
The crazy night is (finally) over pp. 421-428
Vacation’s over pp. 429-449
Sometimes I can write real things pp. 450-463
I think Bloom would fit in well on 30 Rock pp. 464-486
Okay, okay, I’m starting to get it pp. 487-511
Coming soon, to a massive tome near you pp. 512-524
I have no idea what the censors had a problem with pp. 525-539
I don’t need to apologize for myself. Sorry, tho. pp. 540-552
I wonder if Joyce saw a psycholanalyst pp. 553-578
Finally waking up from the dream pp. 579-609
A new chapter begins… pp. 613-628
Still truckin’ pp. 629-637
Don’t fear, I’m back! pp. 638-659
Why is this chapter different from all other chapters? pp. 660-685
Ok I don’t have a title pp. 686-701
Public urination and alphabetizing books…there’s really nothing I can add to that. pp. 702-713
To sleep, perchance to dream pp. 714-729
In bed, at last pp. 730-742
Sex makes everything more interesting pp. 743-755
Ulysses must return pp. 756-783
I never viewed reading as a Spectator Sport. But I’m at the rail now, cheering for you in this one-woman race. As Grandma would say, “Go, horsie!”
I believe it’s spelled “horsey.”